My Sinister World

"The is reality, this is life, this is - the caos factor." -Sinister85

17 May, 2007

New Stuff! Check it out..

I've got all kinds of new things, i'd like to welcome you to view. I've got tons of new pictures. They are all "new" but they are just added to the internet here. I've got layouts, and i've got a website, i've been working on here and there. I welcome you to view it all, and i'd love to hear what you have to say about any of it! PLEASE!

Http:// <~~Website <~~~ ALLLLL types of pictures <~~ Portfolio Pix <~~ Illionis Tour (a new section im starting for all my IL pix, i've seen and will continue to see amazing, and interestings sights and places. I hope you'll view them, and send your pictures in. Thanks!!) Then there are all my myspace pages, all have pictures, and links and fun things to see and do. But still not as important as the above. Http://

Thank-You very much for reading this, Let alone viewing! Have a great day. Be sure and comment, and let me know your thoughts! Have a great one, and keep on keepin on!!

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New Drugs, Old drugs, Drug-drug-drug Drugs!

The history of recreational drug use in the 20th century can be read in the lyric sheets and sonic signatures of popular music, from the opiate cloud over the jazz age, to the amphetamine-juiced birth of rock n' roll, to the psychedelic fuel of rave culture. Music has served as a newscast of the rise and fall of various drug trends, the lyrics and sound reflecting the In Crowd's current substance of choice, either advertising its joys and benefits or warning of its dark side. For decades, songs hyped the potential of various drugs for mind expansion, the famous Aldous Huxley beat about opening new doors of perception in one's sensory experience, with drugs as the tool of choice to "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream."

Lately, however, drug culture has made a significant shift, progressing like an up-and-coming band from the youth-dominated underground to the wide-demographic, commercialized mainstream. Even the term "drug" has changed in meaning; there used to be an easy distinction between "drugs," those seductive and evil things that will ruin your life, and "medicine," what you take for a cold or a hangover. Nowadays, the drug business isn't an amorphous boogeyman the government is fighting an endless and expensive war against; rather, it's one of the largest industries in the world.

Thus far in the 21st century, the cutting-edge intoxicant class has not been uppers or downers or opiates or psychedelics, but the drugs you pick up at your local Walgreen's. DARE ads have started to focus their scare-mongering on the abuse of prescription drugs, meaning that the trend has been going for at least five years now-- hell, I remember other high school kids trying to snort their Ritalin in the mid-1990s. With the flood of medications on the market to help with everything from depression to impotence, it was only a matter of time before people began to devise recreational off-label use for all these powerful substances, and songs about abusing cough syrup, Vicodin, and OxyContin were soon to follow.

But perhaps an even more interesting phenomenon is the increasing frequency of songs about legitimate use of pharmaceuticals. Depression has kept pace with drugs on the song-topic charts, particularly in the arena of alternative/indie rock, where mood disorders have long been the muse for many a mopey artist. With depression, and mental illness in general, becoming less taboo among younger generations, and with prescription-drug options for treatment of depression becoming increasingly common, it's logical that the language of brain physiology and pharmaceutical remedies would gradually start to infiltrate lyrics. Recent albums from Cloud Cult and Of Montreal face these issues directly and unflinchingly, dissonantly placing reflections on brain function and anti-depressants into catchy, infectious pop.

Legal drugs have been making rare appearances throughout the history of rock n' roll-- even back to its earliest days. However, the early rock opinion toward prescription medication was less than favorable, perhaps best represented by the Rolling Stones' 1966 song "Mother's Little Helper". By castigating a middle-aged protagonist for popping Valium pills like candy to get through the day and forget the horrifying "drag" of getting old, the Stones appear somewhat oblivious to their own hypocrisy; after all, within the year, Brian Jones, Mick Jagger, and Keith Richards were all arrested for drug possession. This demarcation between drugs illegal and legal reflected the spirit of the time, as hip youngsters were expected to experiment with pot and LSD while their mothers were supposed to deal with their boredom via non-pharmaceutical means, like, you know, cooking and cleaning.

The dismissal of prescription drugs in "Mother's Little Helper" also ignored the component of the 60s drug scene, in England especially, that was reliant upon drugs developed and intended for medical use. Before moving on to "harder" drugs like heroin and LSD, many musicians first experience with illicit substances came in the form of uppers or downers, many of which were easily available on the legal market. Amphetamine, which drove the mod scene of the early 60s, was sold under trade names like Benzedrine, Preludin, and Dexedrine and hyped as a remedy for everything from schizophrenia to night blindness. Where speed is popular, so too are downers, and sure enough the 60s were also a boom period for depressants-- legal and otherwise. Valium (diazepam) was approved for use in 1963, joining the long used-and-abused barbiturates as the sedatives of choice in Britain and America. Not for nothing are many of the "pusher" songs of the 60s about quasi-legal drug dispensers like The Other Half's "Mr. Pharmacist", (later covered by the Fall) or the Beatles' "Doctor Robert".

But as hallucinogens began to capture the underground's attention in the late 60s, doing the same drugs as your parents fell out of fashion; here the key line is the "White Rabbit" admonition, "One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small/ But the ones that mother gives you don't do anything at all." This proclamation marked the beginning of prescription drugs' long absence from popular music. While recreational use of uppers and downers certainly didn't go away, and speed especially played vital roles in the development of the punk and metal scenes, dropping trade names into songs was no longer common practice.
Singing songs about being blue, of course, didn't go out of fashion either, but musicians struggling with depression in the 70s and 80s were more likely to celebrate or incorporate the psychotherapy terminology of the day. Arthur Janov's primal therapy, the idea of making psychological process through reliving emotional pain, strongly influenced John Lennon's Plastic Ono Band period and inspired the naming of the band Tears for Fears-- not to mention, duh, Primal Scream. In other songs, skepticism about the latest psychiatric techniques reigned, like the Ramones' "Psycho Therapy" (which mentions the barbiturate Tuinal), while the imagery of mental illness became cartoon fodder for heavy metal album covers.

Beginning in the late 80s, the pharmaceutical industry began to grow at an exponential rate, on the back of wonder drugs like Zoloft, Propecia, Viagra, Xanax, Wellbutrin, and many more. Rather than the humble, utilitarian image of familiar brands of over-the-counter drugs such as aspirin and prescription medications like penicillin, these drugs came with full advertising campaigns, many marketed "direct to consumer" in endless soft-focus "ask your doctor if you need _____" magazine ads and television spots. Suddenly, people outside of the medical community became well-versed in the differences between Vioxx and Valtrex, and many pharmaceuticals began to accrue branding power in the league of stalwarts like Coca-Cola and McDonald's; everyone now knows what the "little blue diamond" is.

No surprise then that the increasing cultural visibility of prescription drugs led to more frequent appearances of these substances in popular music. Perhaps the first big hit in this vein was Nirvana's "Lithium", released as a single in 1992; lithium compounds have been used to treat symptoms of manic depression since the late 19th century. While Kurt Cobain's lyrics don't directly address the medication (did he ever directly address anything?), they do appear to reflect the constantly shifting moods and emotions of someone suffering bipolar disorder, and the song's popularity, solidified the connection between mental illness and element #3 in teenagers everywhere.

Since "Lithium", scores of songs have used prescription drugs as a title or a lyric; punch one brand into AllMusic or some other search engine, and you'll find dozens of songs, covering virtually any genre but mainly appearing in the last 10 years. As one of the first and most popular drugs in this relatively recent prescription-drug class, it's no surprise that Prozac is the headliner in this class, lending its Eli Lilly-derived name to 110 songs. Strangely, nearly all of these songs are terrible, with luminaries like Vanilla Ice (in his rap-rock makeover guise), MxPx, the Mr. T Experience, and Dokken all using the drug to their own ends. Most misunderstand the drug's function or purpose, and some Prozac homilies never even mention the drug, like Denali's "Prozac", simply going for impressionistic descriptions of the depressive state the drug is intended to treat. On the other hand, Zoloft, Pfizer's version of the same selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class as Prozac, appears to inspire strangely humorous songs, like Ween's psychedelic-preset commercial jingle on Quebec or the Drive-By Truckers' old-fashioned country stomper about an over-medicated family.

Most of the above songs deal with legal, prescribed use of pharmaceuticals; it's hard to get high off antidepressants. But there has also been a rise over the last few years in songs about recreational use of medication designed for treatment, reflecting societal trends; the 2006 edition of the annual "Monitoring the Future" survey of teenage drug use saw an increase in the abuse of prescription drugs despite decreases in most other drug classes. Vicodin is a popular pill in this regard, with Eminem (who has a tattoo of a Vicodin pill on his arm) perhaps the most frequent proponent, name-dropping the drug in several songs, including "Kill You" and "Under the Influence". The drug has also popped up in songs by metal group Atreyu and indie songstress Terra Naomi, while El-P opts instead for the opiate-based painkiller "Oxycontin" in his two different songs of the same name.

However, the predominant hip-hop medical substance trend of late has undoubtedly been the appropriation of cough syrup, preferably the kind laced with codeine that's only available via prescription in the U.S. Having picked up a multitude of slang names and mixture recipes, such as lean, purple drank, and sizzurp, the substance has inspired not just individual songs but arguably an entire hip-hop genre, the "chopped-and-screwed" ultra-slow remix style developed by Houston's DJ Screw (who may have died of side effects from the drug in 2000). Three 6 Mafia's "Sippin' on Some Syrup" was the first song to hype the drug beyond a regional audience, and the drug combination has since popped up in songs from artists like Paul Wall and Mike Jones, many of which contain backing tracks that simulate the slow-motion effects of the substance.

Pills are also a frequent character of many drug-themed songs, though again it's hard to tell if the capsules in question are of the pharmacist variety or of the uppers/downers type. It's a pretty safe bet that any 60s-70s song (cf. The Who's "I've Had Enough" or 20/20's "Yellow Pills") is referring to the kind of pills you don't buy at the corner drug store, but recent examples from the emo side of the world are more clinical. Panic at the Disco's "Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks" talks about "prescribed pills/ To offset the shakes/ To offset the pills/ You know you should take," and Bright Eyes' "Loose Leaves" mentions "prescription pills/ Well I take two a day to make my brain behave."

The general thread through most of these songs is that the prescription drug in question is not being used literally; it's often meant to stand in as a signifier for depression, or as a symbol for the perceived overmedication of modern society. However, 2007 has already dealt out a series of songs that address prescription drug use more directly, connecting the dots between the actual mechanisms of these drugs and the neurochemical basis for moods and emotions. It's a trend that reflects the growing awareness of neuroscientific basics among non-scientists in general, and opens new philosophical avenues for the cultural discussion of musical mainstays like depression and love.
It's understandable that most songs don't attempt to tackle the actual neurobiological mechanisms of illegal and legal drugs, given that it's pretty hard to find a word that rhymes with serotonin. Due credit then to exceptions like the Talking Heads' "Drugs (Electricity)", which (probably unintentionally) discusses an unnamed substance's effects in terms of the electricity that underlies neural communication, or Murs & Aesop Rock's "Happy Pills", which actually successfully name-drops Klonopin and serotonin reuptake inhibition-- though that's the wrong mechanism for Klonopin, which is an anti-anxiety medication. But as it becomes common knowledge that chemical neurotransmitters play a role in regulating mood and emotion, enough so that these mental states can be manipulated with a simple pill, it follows that songs would be written about the reassuring and/or disturbing reactions to this information.
No recent song encapsulates this phenomenon quite like Of Montreal's mouthful-named single "Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse" from Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? Amidst an album where songwriter Kevin Barnes evocatively narrates his fluctuations between depression (the agoraphobia and lethargy of "A Sentence of Sorts in Kongsvinger") to hypersexual mania ("Bunny Ain't No Kind of Rider"), "Heimdelsgate" is a reflection on bipolarity set to discordantly peppy keyboards. "I'm in a crisis/ I need help/ C'mon mood shift/ Shift back to good again," Barnes pleads, but it's not directed at the usual abstract depression boogeyman, but rather a concrete source of his emotional instability: his own neurotransmitters.

Chemicals, don't strangle my headChemicals, don't make me sick againI'm always so dubious of your intentLike I can't afford to replace what you've spent
Chemicals, don't flatten my mindChemicals, don't mess me up this timeThough you bait me way more than you shouldAnd it's just like you to hurt me when I'm feeling good
In an interview with Pitchfork contributor Stephen Deusner for the Memphis Flyer, Barnes described his mindset during the making of Hissing Fauna: "I'd gone through a pretty heavy period when I was writing it and recording it. Kind of my first real experience with chemical depression and serious anxiety and paranoia and what might be qualified as mental illness." "Heimdelsgate", Barnes told Magnet magazine was about how "you can't really control the chemicals in your brain, and sometimes there's nothing you can do to keep it together." While no songs on the record directly address prescription medication, the singer does credit antidepressants with the making of the album: "The real issue was a chemical thing, so when I finally got on medication, that balanced it out. So that helped me have a better perspective on things and helped my relationship with my wife and helped me through [the album]."
On the other hand, in an interview with the San Diego City Beat, Barnes also blamed antidepressants for the somewhat ill-received sale of "Wraith Pinned to the Mist" as an Outback Steakhouse commercial: "When Outback approached me, I was in this really weird state of mind where I was so indifferent I didn't really care," Barnes says. "I was pretty heavily medicated with antidepressants that were pushing me in this weird direction. I was very indifferent, very detached. It was helping me with all this anxiety and paranoia and this crazy depression stuff, but it made me make a bad decision."

"Take Pills", from Panda Bear's Person Pitch, is a sample and loop-based swirl that fits squarely within the psychedelic-pop sound that his primary group, Animal Collective, is known for. Thick with reverb, dreamy harmonies, and unusual found-sound stimuli, it's a track with all the markings of a "drug song." So why does the mantra of the final section begin with "I don't want for us to take pills anymore?" In a recent interview with Dusted Magazine's Rob Hatch-Miller, Panda Bear (Noah Lennox) clarified:
"That song is pretty explicitly about anti-depressant drugs, not more recreational kinds of drugs. I was on anti-depressants for a while and my mom continues to be on them. Melancholy and depression is kind of a theme in my family. The song is about appreciating what they did for me at the time but wanting to get off of them, and to try not to rely on them if I could. And that's not to say that I think nobody should be on them, like I said they really helped me out for a while. But for me personally I just wanted to try to get on with it, and it's kind of me talking to my mom about trying to get her off of them too. I used to see a psychiatrist and he was like, "You're going to have to be on these drugs for the rest of your life, it's just the chemistry of your brain." That kind of bummed me out, so I really wanted to prove him wrong. He was a nice guy, but he was wrong.

The song, then, acknowledges the utility of prescription medication as a temporary fix, but reflects discomfort with it being a permanent solution, a common obstacle facing people who are recommended to go on antidepressants. As a replacement for pills, Lennox instead recommends a sort of holistic type of advice, to "take one day at a time" and "only one thing at a time," the popular idea that a temporary amount of time on medication is enough to get one's brain chemistry sorted out, and that healthy living can stand in for pharmaceutical treatments.
A similar point of view is espoused by Cloud Cult's Craig Minowa, whose latest album The Meaning of 8 contains a number of tracks that use the terminology of neurochemicals and brain function in discussing emotion and depression. Minowa is more skeptical of his own experiences with antidepressants, which occurred after a personal tragedy:
"Shortly after my two-year-old son left the planet the doctors put me on some anti-depressants, because they were afraid I was going to try and follow my son to wherever it is he went to. The doctors thought they could fix my grieving by adjusting my brain chemistry with pharmaceuticals. I think there are instances where a person would be well suited for the need to ingest certain elements to balance their neurochemicals, but that was not one of them, so I got off those drugs after a few short weeks."
"I think many doctors freely prescribe these types of medications to deal with the negative effects of a mental problem, while they tend to completely ignore the causes. In my instance, my kid had just died. I needed to just cry for a long while and grieve, but the doctors thought it would be best to cover up those feelings with drugs. Our physicians need to get better at determining what is a mood problem brought on by a chemical imbalance, and a mood that is brought on by psychological trauma. Each of these should be treated in very different ways."
Thus, a song like "Take Your Medicine" off of The Meaning of 8 with its command:
You can take it in strideOr you can take it right between the eyesSuck up, suck upAnd take your medicineIt's a good day, it's a good dayTo face the hard things
is not about antidepressants, but about the more general experience of facing the sources of one's depression and adjusting brain chemistry without medication: "Take Your Medicine" is literally about conjuring up the strength to face the ugly things in yourself that most of us prefer to deny exist. In the case of this song, taking one's medicine is not about popping a pharmaceutical but is more accurately about having the guts to do some not-so-fun inner psychological work. Scientific studies have shown you can alter your brain chemistry simply by choosing to practice thinking in a different way. In that sense, 'taking your medicine' means having the discipline to break some bad mental habits and thereby changing your brain chemistry. Letting go of the inner monsters referenced in that song has helped me feel much better. But it wasn't an easy psychological process getting through that."
Minowa's interest in brain function doesn't stop with informed opinions about overprescription of antidepressants; with a background in biology, he's also read up on other influences upon neurochemical control of mood and emotion. "I've done some research into investigating the neurochemical reactions in the brain due to spiritual practices such as meditation and prayer. It's interesting to see that certain areas of activity in the brain of those on LSD coincide with the same activity one sees in a person in a deep state of meditation. The lesson you can take from that is either that you can take drugs like LSD because they will trick you into thinking you're enlightened. Or you can take the lesson that you can change your own brain chemistry and activity simply by having the self-discipline to exercise your brain in certain ways on a regular basis. I prefer the latter." So a song like "Chemicals Collide":
I was out paying close attentionOr was I lost inside my thoughtsThese days it's hard to tell what's outside from what's in my mindAnd oh god, it's beautifulInsatiableThe way our chemicals collide
appears to be, in part, using "chemicals" in the same way as Of Montreal's "Heimdelsgate": as an entity to take the blame and/or credit for the emotionally-charged way we perceive and exist in the world. But Minowa explains that's only one small aspect of the song's meaning:
"'Chemicals Collide' is really about all of the different chemicals that collide around to make the universe what it is. The brain is just one example of how these incredible elements mix together to make complex reactions. It's really no different than the rest of the universe. Mix different types of chemicals together and you'll get different colors or an explosion or a tasty recipe or a new energy source or even life. It's the same in the brain. I think the brain is just something we perceive reality through. The brain is not the essence of what we are. Some scientists want to claim they have it all figured out, and that the brain is the center of it all. But there's a whole lot more going on than they're comfortable accepting. In that sense, I'm not afraid of the fact that the brain is a mortal organ and that it can be persuaded to function differently when exposed to different chemicals. My brain is not me. It's just another one of my physical senses through which the real me sees."

This trio of artists appears to be heralding the next step in songs about prescription drugs and the mental illnesses they're designed to treat, both reflecting the complex societal viewpoints about these pharmaceutical advances and using medication as a gateway to dealing with emotion and mood in biological terms. The knowledge that we're to some extent the puppets of our brain chemistry is simultaneously disturbing and liberating to many people; nobody wants to hear feelings of love and spirituality reduced to the cold mechanics of neurotransmitters and receptors, but our modern ability to directly treat some of the underlying imbalances that cause debilitating mental illness is a clinical miracle, improving thousands upon thousands of lives worldwide.
While science may always remain a foreign language to songwriters and musicians, its influence upon music's native thematic territory of conveying and describing emotion is becoming increasingly hard to ignore. "Drug songs" of the past sought to translate the sensory experience of psychedelics or stimulants or opiates into musical form, to report on the powerful methods mankind has discovered or created to alter the way our brains work and play with the organ's interpretation of our surrounding reality. As we exist in an age where those tools of brain manipulation shift from mind-expansion to mind-maintenance and treatment, and the corner pusher is transformed into the corner pharmacist, it's only natural that our music follows suit, hymns to getting high changing into reflections on getting well.

This is a subject i could go on and on about, but wont. All pictures are By: Jessica Beck. Thanks for reading.

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25 February, 2007

WAR IS OVER!! if you want it..

So this is Christmas, and what have you done. Another year over, and new one just begun. And so this, is, Christmas. I hope you have fun! the near and the dear ones. The old and the young!! a very merry Christmas! And happy New Year! Lets hope its a good one!!!!!!! with out any fears... and so this is Christmas, for weak and for strong! the rich and the poor ones, the world is so numb! and so, happy Christmas.. For black and for white, for the yellow and red ones.. Lets Stop All The Fights! a very merry Christmas, And a happy new year! hope its a good one!!!!!!! with out any fears... and so this is Christmas. WAR IS OVER!! if you want it.. WAR IS OVER!! if you want it..
This may very well be, my new theme song. Because, my friends, i have in deed found more insight into life! or possibly insanity! LOL! kidding.. I'm stamped with the approval of wellness.. Okay mental wellness. And mental clarity.. For this brief yet powerful (hopefully) Blog, may just shed light, for you, into i, the writer. If i do my job correctly.. You should be feeling, and seeing what i describe. So with out haste let me begun.

I've seen movies such as 'We the People, VS, Larry Flynt", "The Drug Years", "The U.S. VS. John Lennon" Some of the most controversial movies. Some of the most trying times in America. And we all fought hard, to get the rights we have. Maybe not even for us, but our young. To make a difference for ALL!! That’s even the same motto America was established on. Here, for those which, in my generation MAINLY! MAY (and do it well) lack in our HISTORICAL knowledge. Which i hate history as well. except, real life history. my main target, as some know, being 50's, 60's and 70's. Some 80's, but only because im bound to them... Heh! no offense! John Lennon, a saint to millions. For his protest against Vietnam, AND for standing up and uniting America, and its rights, AGINST the u.s government, but mainly NIXON! which i dont see HOW he got re-elected... But it happened.. Its the same as the bush’s.. HOW DID WE LET ANOTHER ONE INTO OFFICE!!! Larry Flynt, Some only know that he MADE hustler what it is.. Why do i care?? Because under that, he helped America express its self. And he tested to the very core, our freedom of speech. The drug years.. Heh.. That modeled America.. all years have their selection of choice, and what’s hip. and what made us do what.. Maybe the most effective drug, on us, the people, Acid, and Marijuana. ("try reading 'the electric, kool-aid, acid test'!! It will open eyes..")

Embrace this.. We have many, as i assume and do not know, protests yearly? But maybe for the wrong reasons. So can i believe a Cow is special, and may have god like powers? No, maybe not so much.. Have i quit eating meat, and cheese, and any other animal product. Do i steer clear of products, tested on animals? I'm sorry, but NO again. Do i believe these animals have rights, some yes! I do not wear real furs though, that in its own may be wrong. I'm sorry, the point, right?? We don't have any protestors fighting for our rights. We dont have any awesomely minded artists out there, shouting out, alerting us to the wrongs (maybe). We need some new things in this country... Well new to this generation coming up.

We need peace, and love, and kindness. And everyday, that slips a little farther out of our grasp, possibly forever. Now does that mean i want to fight against the drug wars? Absolutely, BUT not all the drugs. Pot should be legal! And let me explain for one moment WHY! because its extremely - beneficial here!

Pot, and you: My own words, do not hold this against me. If you are extremely a 'straight edge' drug awareness activist.. (heh) "I have, and have started again.. Smoking pot. Only before bed time, because i need A LOT of help in that area. Every night i toke it up.. And i do no wrongs... I don’t get angry, i don’t get violent. I don’t drive around, aimlessly, and 'accidently' kill others, because of my careless-ness! I don’t have a drive to go right out and shoot up heroin. None of that. And it doesn’t make me want to live a nothing sort of life actually. And i have a story, truly, to accompany that statement. "

“I smoke the pot, i come out, i sit down. And you know what beguines to flow through my mind.. Thoughts of my life.. Suddenly I have a horrendous pain in my stomach, and my wrist. For stress, emotional pain rearing its nasty head. Its telling me, point blank. My life is in shambles, and when am I going to get my act together. I’ve stopped school, and why? I’m certainly not dumb. And I have a future, but its just been corrupted, can I fix it? I live with my grandfather, in a room, that I played in when I was 10-14. it’s a mess!! Because I have no time anymore.. And do I maybe have a drug problem, have I become addicted to my scripts. I think so, and all of these troubled thoughts. Go over and over, in every possible way.. And it’s killing me… And when I told my ex, or current, WHATEVER! He said I need to stop smoking the pot.. But I don’t want to! And why should I, when its making me motivated.. “

Now you name ONE insistence, alcohol, gave someone that clarity, and realization.. And I will forget the whole subject. Just ONE, please! I dare you! ………………..
Because you can not do so, there isn’t one. Unless its one of some hopelessly depressed being drinking their life away. And one day they realize they have a drinking problem.. Oh wowy! I’ve done that, I’ve had a drinking problem already.. And let me tell you, not motivating. You want to die, hence the alcohol.. And when your off, and clean, And setting your life up again. Its just triple as hard.. Your still miserable, let me tell you! And on the pot, you don’t do horrible, life threatening things!!

I think alcohol should be as outlawed as pot, and pot as legal and stamped safe as alcohol. In a time, it was accepted a lot easier than today. Now their saying it’s a ‘gateway drug’. Meaning that it leads you to want other drugs. BULL!!! I’m stomping’ that theory right now. You want to know how you get on other drugs.. Here goes: Jamie sue is in college. Doing something good for her life, learning, and experiencing the world on her own. Correct? We shall see!! NOOOO! Jamie Sue is going out clubbing’ and Partying on campus all week, at all times. Bob-o walks up, while Jamie is intoxicated. And says here man, try this.. And Jamie sue does, not even knowing what it was, if it was real, who it came from, NOTHING! And she continues to, nightly, thinking it’s a party drug. What was it? Crack-Cocaine. Congratulations you’re a moron! NEVER TAKE THINGS FROM PEOPLE, A- You don’t know, B- While your DRUNK! And there is a gateway drug for you. Wallow in your sorrows, loose control of your body. Gee that’s something I’d want legal, so my kids can experience it.. Heh.. Smart one, whom ever judged this! Here is an article from a dear abbey type deal. “It was legalized at the end of Prohibition in the early part of the 20th century. The argument at the time for legalizing alcohol consumption was as follows: People will drink whether it is legal or not. At the time, "bootleggers" were making a mint of money selling alcohol on the black market. Organized Crime played a key role in the manufacturing and distribution of "illegal alcohol." It was believed that if alcohol products were regulated and taxed heavily then society would use them modestly. Do notice however, that this is the same argument some make to justify the decriminalization of other drugs. “ Another question, what are the top 10 cases of teen death. Guess what’s number one, alcohol related crashed.. Hmm Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Of course you did, and now your wiser, than before you started reading this article. And there will be another, because there is WAY too much to fit in this single one. I will speak again, and soon.. To finish my fight Against the Americas. If no one will stand up with me, I will stand alone. But I will continue to fight the battle for a better tomorrow. And that is a quote from, none other than my self. So Stand With me in this plea, to make our lives, and our next generations life better! Thank-You for at least reading.. Hopefully I will stir at least one person up. And they will let me know. I love when people talk to me about my writing. Be it good or bad. So stand with me people, stand against, but let me KNOW!

Until next time,

All we are saying, Is give peace a chance!" - John Lennon (In Memory of the best activist to have lived!)

13 December, 2006

Dani VS. Mary

Tom petty is filing suit against red hot chili peppers, because of a song battle. Mary Jane's last dance, VS. Dani California. Petty says that Dani California is based upon Mary Jane. Although the songs have a similar point i dont think petty will win his suit. Souly based upon the lyrics, and the tune. He might have won had the chili peppers used the same beat, tune, or even some of the words. I'll post both sets of lyrics after i finish writing, so as you can read them. I cant even pick a side here because both of them i've loved from about the same age. I can remember the first time i saw both of their video's, the same time i fell in love. Which CD did i buy first though? well i guess petty would win that. Because i bought his way back... chili peppers i didn't actually own an album until maybe 6th grade? Music wise, they both have a very good strength, just they are completely different. I couldnt see them working together or anything. So it doesn't surprise me that they are bumping heads here. What does surprise me is, that Mary Jane is an older song. Still very well known, by all ages, but its years old.. Dani California is bran new, last year i believe? After a certain period of time, one might give up hope of filing suit over a song that sounds similar. Because although they don't share words or anything, they are both about a girl. Who did what when, and why she's leaving now. The spin petty should throw on this, so as not to get bad PR. He should leave it as he enjoys the chili peppers, and was flattered by the fact that they maybe got an idea from him. But he realizes that because of the time difference chances are they didn't steal it. And as a compromise he would say that Mary Jane was the girl that was leaving town, and she turns into Dani, and the chili peppers capture her later years, up to her death, and how she will so be missed.. And i promise you if they did a mixed tape type thing, with that spin, they would both make tons of money. Although they would also need to include a few other bands, maybe some other bands have similar songs. I'm sure i could dig some up.. Chances are i'll forget though, so don't count on that. Okay here are the lyrics, you can download or listen to the songs on their myspace web sites. Let me get links: Red Hot Chili Peppers (Dani California) Tom Petty (Mary Jane doesn't appear to be on here though) (download it, thats all i can say) I will post a link at the bottom to where to buy the CD, maybe it has a way so you can preview the song.. check it out..anyway on word to the lyrics:: Follow down to the bottom for a shocking suprise!
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Dani California"

Gettin' born in the state of MississippiPoppa was a copper and momma was a hippieIn Alabama she was swinging hammerPrice you gotta pay when you break the panoramaShe never knew that there was anything more than poorWhat in the world does your company take me for?Black bandana, sweet LouisianaRobbin'on a bank in the state of IndianaShe's a runner, rebel and a stunnerOn her merry way saying baby what you gonnaLookin' down the barrel of a hot metal .45Just another way to surviveChorus:California rest in peaceSimultaneous releaseCalifornia show your teethShe's my priestess, I'm your priestYeah, yeahShe's a lover, baby and a fighterShould've seen her coming when it got a little brighterWith a name like Dani CaliforniaDay was gonna come when I was gonna mourn yaA little loaded she was stealing another breathI love my baby to deathChorus:California rest in peaceSimultaneous releaseCalifornia show your teethShe's my priestess, I'm your priestYeah, yeahWho knew the other side of youWho knew what others died to proveToo true to say goodbye to youToo true, too say say say Push the fader, gifted animatorOne for the now and eleven for the laterNever made it, Up to MinnesotaNorth Dakota man was a gunnin' for the quotaDown in the badlands she was saving the best for lastit only hurts when I laughGone too fastChorus:California rest in peaceSimultaneous releaseCalifornia show your teethShe's my priestess, I'm your priestYeah, yeahCalifornia rest in peaceSimultaneous releaseCalifornia show your teethShe's my priestess, I'm your priestYeah, yeah --------------------------------------------------------
Tom Petty and the Heart Breakers - "Mary Jane's Last Dance"
She grew up in a Indiana town, Had a good lookin' mama whonever was around. But she grew up tall and she grew uprightWith them Indiana boys on an Indiana night. Well she moved down here at the age of eighteen, Sheblew the boys away; was more than they'd seen. I wasintroduced and we both started groovin' She said, "I digyou, baby, but I got to keep movin' - on. Keep movin' on."Chorus:Last dance with Mary Jane, one moretime to kill the pain. I feel summer creepin' in and I'mtired of this town again. Well I don't know but I'vebeen told, you never slow down, you never grow old. I'mtired of screwin' up, tired of goin' down, Tired ofmyself, tired of this town, Oh my, my, oh hell yes - Honeyput on that party dress. Buy me a drink, sing me a song,Take me as I come . cause I can't stay long. ChorusThere's pigeons down on Market Square, She's standing in her underwear. Lookin' down from ahotel room, Nightfall will be coming soon. Oh my,my, oh hell yes, you got to put on that party dress. Itwas too cold to cry, when I woke up alone. I hit my lastnumber, I walked to the road. Chorus
Profession asst:
The station, WGMD in Delaware, has produced pretty damning evidence that the bands last single 'Dani California' is a rip off of a Tom Petty track.
Story continues below...The song in question is Petty's 90's hit 'Mary Jane's Last Dance' and the radio stations Morning Show presenter and producer have alleged the plagiarism.
Producer Jared Morris said: "The chord progression, the melody, the tempo, the key, the lyrical theme… they're identical."
Show presenter Dan Gaffney has produced this MP3 to show up the similarities and help people make their own decisions.

Plagiarism or not, what do you think?
Vote, or comment, whats on your mind!
And so ends this..... Oh and my birthday, is in less than an hour! dont know if im really excited.. Peace yo-


15 November, 2006

Secrets and Sins

So i was thinking, about this blog i saw. Apparently its a real popular site, that made a blog for 'the people'. You send it a secret and they make it into a cute/inspiring picture. So i was thinking, thats an interesting way, for me to express myself, and i can do more than just write. Which is all i get to do on my other blog. ( ) So here is the first picture, we'll see how it flys. I want it basically about Sins, and Secrets. With out saying to much about them, being able to ramble, and its something to look at/create. This one i call Thinking about you, hating me -
So there is that.. Lemme know how it flyz with ya?! i'm tired, the weather is getting really bad. So i better get my stuff done, before it gets HORRIBLE out! i'll do another one later, adios!


14 October, 2006

My dear family...

Today i awoke to added stress to a stressful life.. apparently my cousin showed my uncle wally that i had a picture of my cat and a caption about how he hurt him. anyway i recieved this letter:

This is from my cousin ashley:

Date: Oct 14 2006 12:04 PM
Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: hmmmmmm

well, just wanted to let you know that my mom saw the pic of "auggie" and i got a nice lil phone call from her. she is not happy and neither will my dad when she shows him. they are tired of this all happening. this is NOT about my dad. my dad is not the animal abuser you think he is. just because he doesnt like you doesnt mean that he is going to hurt your animals. its not their fault he doesnt like you. they are going to talk to grandfather about this i guess. i doubt anything will get taken care of. personally im pretty pissed about the whole thing. im trying not to talk about it too much because i know that if i say whats on my mind there will be alot more shit started. if you really want to know what is pissing me off just ask....i have no problem telling you what it is. but i wont go into great detail b/c it wont be good. im actually getting really tired of my dad getting blamed for alot of shit! my dad goes to grandfathers to spend time with him and see how he is doing. but everytime he goes there its like he gets blamed for something that had nothing to do with him. other then that.......i really wish that everyone would stop bitching about stupid shit. seriously. its like every other day i hear something that went on when my dad went over there. just please to god stop it!


Date: Oct 14 2006 7:17 PM
Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject:Congrads on starting more drama...

A NOTE before i begin: Congrads on starting more drama, in your letter you act so high and mighty.. Yet here you are, starting more.. So please, oh please god, just stop it? PLEASE!


I'm glad you take your parents side and all. but you seriously don't even know.. I sit here day in and day out and take care of grandfather.. do you? what exactly do you do again? there's something to focus your energy on.. You don't come over here and clean up pee off of the floor, and cook dinner for someone whom is drunk, and asks you to repeat things 20 times, just so he can forget 2 minutes later. You don't do the yard work, you don't take him places, because he cant drive, but wont admit it. You don't have to explain bills, and letters to him. Relay answering machine messages. You don't even come by to say hello. Which in turn really hurts his feelings. What is the hardest part of taking care of him. Is watching him slowly fail. Its really hard to sit day in and day out and watch. But then, i suppose you wouldn't understand that. After All, all he really remembers you as, is you came by, DAYS after Christmas, and wanted your gifts, which was money. He felt that you didn't even care about you. I guess because You don't ever come around anyone in the family. And how dare you act like you care about your mom and dad. Don't forget we were friends I saw how you treated and continue to treat you parents. I feel so bad for your mom... She's such a sweet person, that really cares about you. And would love to just spend some time with you. She used to come over here and we'd talk about what you were doing, and how you were. And she was so upset that she never got to see you, didn't know what was going on in your life. And the things she heard from others about you, wow that really, really hurt her... She loves you, but you don't show her that maybe somewhere in your Steve obsessed, and (OR) self obsessed world, you may love her, and show her that! And your dad, wow I think maybe he needs help. I'm not saying that to be mean in any way. But the things he does, it kinda scares me a bit. Like okay there is a murder, going unsolved, that happened just right here next to me. And he comes over and BREAKS my spot light, and steals the bulb. Who does that? and then there was the bloody dental floss that he left on the toilet paper roll. He of course figured I would be the next one to use it, but I don't use the downstairs bathroom. He left a pubic hair on grandfathers tooth brush once, I assume he didn't know which was mine... And don't let him say he didn't... Because guess what, who else was here? both times I checked and your mom was not here. He doesn't seem to do bad things when she is here. Maybe then because he can not deny it, I don't really know either way. But I have a camera set up on the front porch and one in the yard. And recently I had to set one up, upstairs. So just that you know, I do in fact have proof that he hurt auggie, and I know that he stole and did god only knows what, with my two kittens. I'm not mad, I'm hurt, and I don't hate him. Hate is a horrible word, and you all should feel pretty bad for saying you hated me, and that they hated me. If I died tomorrow I think you would in fact feel bad. I do not hate anyone!! I never did. What I do in fact hate, is the way this family is acting. Maybe you guys should HATE that! And even when your dad came here right before x-mas and tried to make me feel like crap. Sure I hated what he said, but I never hated him. I assume you heard all about that. Told me I was a bastard child, and did I know my father. and apparently I'm some kind of slut and I'm stealing from grandfather. I have never stolen anything from grandfather ever! what he gives me is because he realized all that I do for him. Maybe others should realize some of that too.. but I suppose that would be to difficult. Its easier to hurt someone's feelings, and say we hate them. Right? And if I'm so horrible, why is it no one else is willing to set aside their life, their dreams their hopes to help him??? Now thats an important question.. And when your dad comes over, it may be to see him, but if thats the hole reason and he is so into helping, and befriending grandfather, why is it that I always have something messed up, that I have to take care or clean up? Last time it was the spot light, the week before the cats.. every time its something. He comes up stairs and throws my stuff around in the bathroom, and lord only knows all the other stuff he does. I don't know why we have to act like little children about all this. Like I have to leave before he comes. Well guess what I live here, I take care of grandfather NO ONE ELSE BUT ME AND MY MOTHER.. Your dad comes by twice a week for an hour or two. Gets grandpa turned all around and gets him drunk.. Then you know what he does? LEAVES! Your dad doesn't help with yard work or house work. He had to take the trash up once and got mad and just threw it by the mailbox. I have to do everything, and its his own dad, But he's he hero here... He should be glad, and be thankful, that he DOESNT have to do any of this. Because mentally and emotional he couldnt take it. Neither could you, that letter proved just how immature and outrageous acting all of you really are. I don't regret one thing i've done. Or said or even typed! Ashley we used to be best friends and were very close. Remember we used to call each other at the same time and then the line would be busy? heh we had fun. And now your going to get mad because your dad is mad? This family is so degenerate, its horrible. I should feel bad about what i've done? I should be hated, because your dad came over and yelled at me and said horribly mean things to me? But I guess in some alternate universe that's possible, but guess what, this isn't that universe. So really anymore I don't care.. If you, your mom, and your dad want to hate me, fine go right ahead. There's nothing I can do about that, except wait for you all to realize that, you only get one life.. And if you live it hating people, than thats on you. You've wasted your hole life being negative, there's always going to be something to make you mad. But when you turn on your own family, maybe then you will realize that its not others, it just may be your self? just something to think about. I was really hurt by your letter, just so you know. So I guess that means you got your way. But then you never had trouble there did you? And what's this, you doubt anything will get taken care of. Do you me a favor and don't talk to me like your above me. You live in a house with your boyfriend, you don't have a job, you are wasting you life. You don't see, nor help the family in their time of need. Heck you missed your own grandmothers funeral.. Why? you said you had to work, but your mom said otherwise. We used to be very close to grandmother, and I'm sure that mad grandfather pretty upset. And who really minds if your pissed, you don't even act like part of the family, so why would anyone care? if you don't want to act like family, then get treated like your not. simple, easy, and less stress... And your dad gets blamed, because whether he says it or not, HE DOES IT... there's a clue, use it! And please, oh please, don't do me any favors.. If you have something to say.. SAY IT! I'm not scared... What are you going to do? hurt my feelings? well you have all already done that, now haven't you? but who cares about me, right? I'm just worthless trash.. all I do is steal and act horrible towards my family.. Right? isn't that what everyone wants to say about me? go ahead, I'm not scared.. Maybe if you come over some time, you can see the reality of all of this. Your not above it dear, your below it. Your not even in this, I don't where you get off writing me such a horrible thing. my goodness I wrote so much and yet, I still feel like there are so many more things I'd like to include. But I'll stop, consider THAT a REAL favor. Oh and thanks for your concern in this matter though.. nice to know you may actually think about the family. I'm also supposed to add: After Demanding to read your letter to me, grandfather was quite upset about your actions, and choice of words. He feels that, that was "Very dirty, and rude. He also feels that you are trying to act above anything you will ever achieve. He wanted to know why you are trying to cause problems in the family?" He said to relay to you that "Your no savor! You were horrible to your parents, the way you treated them. All the time, energy and money they put in to you. And every time you all went some where you acted like a complete little snot to them. And everyone in Kansas city saw, and he was embarrassed. So how can you all of a sudden be such a savor? and act like your above all this?" his words, none of them are mine. Maybe next time you'll choose to leave others deputes alone, and worry about yourself?


27 September, 2006

Can music change your fate of living?

If you listened to one genre of music, from one era. Is it possible that it could make you more like that era than your own. In the end alienating you from others, confining you to one end. Waiting to erupt one day, because of lack of being. You may feel like your actually gone, because you don't belong. Relationships are hard because you act differently when things are easy. If your stuck in the 70's and the 60's its going to be hard to find yourself in 2000... imagine the way the worlds tainted view must appear? How would we appear to said person, or how they appear to you. Abnormal? strange? or would we even notice? i had so much to write about this, but i just feel drained, so just ponder that for awhile!

28 August, 2006

Once i ran to you, Now i run From You.

In case you didn't catch on, the title is lyrics from one of the greatest, feel good songs of our generations time. Remade of course! Tainted love, by Eurithmic (org.)
"sometimes, i feel i've got to, run away.. i've got to... get away... from the pain you drive into the heart of me. the love we share, seems to go no where.. And i've lost my life, for i toss and turn, i cant sleep at night! once i ran to you, no i run from you. This tainted love you've give, i gave you all a boy could give you. take my tears, and thats not nearly... Oh tainted love"
Who can actually say this song does not make you feel just a bit chipper. And the lyrics are extraordinary. Mostly i believe its the beat, the rhythm if you will. That attracts people to the song. It begins with a very recognizable beat. pumpin' like a heart. And then as the verse runs on it gets faster, like your in the middle of sex and then BOOM you explode and then there is your course, of a very easily memorable lyrics. Oh.... (wind down) tainted love. Its just an all around song. You can easily relate to the lyrics, its a masked song. Thats how i refer to songs that have a very dull, realistic, downfall of depressing lyrics, masked by an upbeat tempo! The song is good, for any age, any genre lover will enjoy "Tainted Love"
Well thats it for today, until next time....

21 August, 2006

The Boyfriend Quiz

Online its easy to quiz someone with out them knowing it. Basically the point im trying to reach is, you know someone before you meet them, assuming you do. I've only been courageous enough to meet one guy off the net, and it was only because i knew a bunch of people that knew him already. He was a great guy, and if i had the chance to do it again, i defiantly would. If you could quiz boyfriends and girlfriends before you dated them, would relationship last longer? Would marriages last, and would we have less the rate of divorce? Its possible. Here is my example quiz, to find the perfect man...
1. Could we sit at home and play video games, such as Grand theft auto, Hitman, or tomb raider?
A.Yes, when im off work
B.Heck no, how boring
C.Maybe, we'll see
2.Would you time and gas just to go for a ride around country roads, and explore new towns or roads?
A. Sure sounds like a hoot!
B.Not really, doesnt sound to fun!
C.Maybe depends on how far it was
3.Would you be able to handle my overly needy family? or the excessive hours spent with them?
A.Family is a very wonderful thing, and its nice that you help out
B.Heck no!!
C.Eh, its great you spend time with them, but do you have to spend so much time with them??
4.Could we have sex half and half? meaning, could we have sex some when you wanted, and some when i wanted?
C. Eh, see what happens!
D. AnYtImE is a great time!!
5.Are you a supportive person? would you support me in things, even if you didnt agree with them?
A.Sure i would!
B.It all depends on what it was!
6. Could you or are you, okay with pets? Cats, dogs, birds, ect.?
A.Pets are Great
C.Cats are okay but not dogs
D.Dogs are okay, but not cats
7.Do you enjoy movies? would you be able to keep up with my rapid purchases of movies?
A.Love them! i buy a lot too!
B.Nope, how lame!
C. I like movies, but wouldnt buy a lot
D.I buy a lot, but dont really have time to watch them!
8.Do you smoke? or do you mind smoke?
A. Yea i smoke, its not biggie
B.I hate smokers!
C.It doesnt bother me, but i dont smoke...
9.Do you now, or have you ever taken illegal drugs?
A.I smoked pot awhile back, but do nothing now
B.I use hardcore drugs, often
C.Once in awhile i use
10.Are you a kind hearted person? or would you make me feel like crap just because?
A.Yes, im very kind hearted! and i would never do such!
B.Its just a joke, suck it up!
11.Could we be exclusive?
A. Of course!
12.Could we spend hours just sitting or laying around with eachother?
A.Love to!
B.How Boring!
13.Would you mind my obsessive need or love for music??
A.Nope, I love it too!
B.How annoying!
C.I like music, but not often!
14.Would you take me home to meet your parents?
A.Yeah, thats part of it!
B.Nope, i dont talk to my family
C.Your not family material!
15.Would we go on dates??
A.Isnt that part of it?
C.Eh... Maybe!
16.Have you ever used someone?
B.All the time!
C.Once, but it was a long time ago!
17.Have you ever cheated on someone?
B.All the time!
C.Once but it was a long time ago!
18.Do you drink? if yes, how much?
C.Once in awhile
19.Do you live alone? and also do you own, rent, buying, or have room mates?
C.About to do we work together in your mind?
C.Fairly well
21. what do you think of me? (write it in a private e-mail, with score)
Key & Answers:
A=1 B=3 C & D=2
20-30: Perfect Match-
We're perfect from the start, where have we been all this time? We'll be together forever, or close to it!
31-40:Almost a perfect fit-
We're almost the perfect soul mates, only a few off! We'd be together for awhile or more!
You match up perfectly with my ex! He was a Horrible match, and so are you! If we got together it would ruin our lives!!
Now that you have read my test for the perfect mate, what would yours say? You should make one and put it on your myspace page, or maybe your profile for yahoo, and or aim. It'll attract some, maybe dont make it as obvious as mine. Where you can see which answer would obviously be the one you would pick. It reminds me of those tests you take while applying for a job, you know the obvious answer, so you put it just so you look like the perfect hire! hah! Of course, it would be awesome if we could as our new boyfriend or girlfriend to take our quiz so we knew how long we'd last, and such. But chances are it wont happen. Basically right now, its just for fun! A boredom buster, if you will. Also gives your page a touch of character!
Guess thats it,

02 August, 2006


I had to post this post here because my other blog wouldnt post it... sorry!!

If i was some famous musical artists, i'd be over doesed on drugs and be in jail. and maybe have been filmed with a man-slut. ew ya! because my life is lame oh yes'ms.. um lets see my family has saddled me with my grandfather. its like getting knocked up and the dad disapears, i figured that compairison would make it easy for people to understand. its about the same as taking care of a 3 or 4 year old.. literally! anyway don is i dont even know, i dont know where, and i sure as hell dont know what anymore. shawn and i stopped talking a week ago, not mad or anything just been busy i guess, both of us.. umm sarah has been doin her own thing, so its been me... just me.. and i've been thinking what if and i know i talked about this before. but what if mark was it for me? what if thats like IT? and then im screwed? i dont know, its possible.. i dont really want him back, okay lets be frank, basically i probably just want him back because i can have guilt free sex, seriously i've been having weird sex dreams and um i want to sleep with like anyone.. its horrible i feel like a slut... but then i get in my little guilt mood and feel horrible like for example: omg they'd never want me, look what im wearing, look at my fatty-ness... and omg look at my face, i've got a pimple, or something like that.. i just feel alone, and helpless to do anything about it. seriously where do people meet me? i want to go and meet one. and im so not waiting until my birthday because that is like 5 months away. thats when i'll be 21 for you slow people and i can go to the bars, get it? to meet men... okay now that we're on the same page.. um.. i dont know, i want to just have sex with someone i've had sex with already so i am not a slut but i dont think there is anyone i could do it with? okay mark - POS seth-in a relationship John-POS Jon -POS ummm shawn? i dont know maybe.. but would he? i dont know, i feel weird saying something like that.. i think he looks at me like a fat ugly friend of his now.. omg he has some ugly ugly friends though i saw them at the wake.. omg ugly and omg uglier.. woof i was like damn i feel hott hott hott.. and we all know im not not not.. anyway im gonna stop talking about this..i feel depressed stressed and in pain.. apparently i got my monthly the day i went to st.louis horrible!! anyway here is a good ole song that sums up my feelings:
Goodbye to you, my trusted friend.We've known each other since we're nine or ten.Together we climbed hills or trees.Learned of love and ABC's,skinned our hearts and skinned our knees.Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die,when all the birds are singing in the sky,Now that the spring is in the air.Pretty girls are everywhere.When you see them I'll be there.We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.But the hills that we climbedwere just seasons out of time.Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me,I was the black sheep of the family.You tried to teach me right from wrong.Too much wine and too much song,wonder how I get along.Goodbye, Papa, it's hard to diewhen all the birds are singing in the sky,Now that the spring is in the air.Little children everywhere.When you see them I'll be there.We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.But the wine and the song,like the seasons, all have gone.Goodbye, Michelle, my little one.You gave me love and helped me find the sun.And every time that I was downyou would always come aroundand get my feet back on the ground.Goodbye, Michelle, it's hard to diewhen all the bird are singing in the sky,Now that the spring is in the air.With the flowers ev'rywhere.I whish that we could both be there.We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.But the stars we could reachwere just starfishs on the beach

adios people its off to bed i guess!!! other new thing is i got some new movies today.. war of the worlds, king kong, dick and jane, skeleton key, brothers grimm, and ray. all very good movies, and those are on dvd so i can watch them upstairs yay!! and then on vhs i got pauly shore is dead, and sky capitian. so yeah that'll give me something to do.. anyway im out!


01 August, 2006

personal blog address

HERE the personal blog address is:
i guess it goes with the post below this one...

31 July, 2006

chasings shadows

Maybe i'm tired, maybe i've given up on a future. flashbacks keep haunting and taunting me, and so im searching to rekindle what was there. only seeing the good.
holding me that night, saying that i felt so good back there.
sitting next to me, all snuggled up. sometimes i'd watch him sleep, because it was so peaceful.
the bad hurt so bad it made my body ache it made me shake to the very core of being.
and the good wasnt great, but it was good to me.
the addiction was addicted, maybe some days it wasnt as bad as it seemed, but others it hurt. like it was higher up than me, i'll never be needed or loved as much as that.
tonight i guess i went looking for my past, in the streets of springfield. i drove i looked i hurt i left, i gave up. in the end he may have been just around that corner, maybe in the car across the street. some day maybe i wont care, but as for tonight i do. If your asking did i love him this much? I do..
maybe i've never had good, or good long enough to see it. so maybe thats why things seemed so nice. i guess im just alone and im lonely, real depressed lately i can see and identify that at least. anyway i guess it'd just be nice to have someone here to say that everything is going to be alright. and just to have someone to hold me at night. i guess its silly..

28 July, 2006

st.louis weekend meeting

I will be away in st.louis for 2 days, so i wont be here to chat, post, ect. You will be able to reach me by cell, and text messages. I will try and get one of my laptops Internet ready before i go, because they have high speed (who doesn't these days?) and it will make chatting and posting faster and easier from my end. Anyway this isn't a post but an update. To let you and anyone else know that i wont be online. My step dad and sister will be staying here taking care of my animals. I feel like im running a vet's office lately. with blackie turning into tiny Tim, tooter and his mysterious wound, Edgar and his back trouble. lets see, oh and tiny (whiney) may be pregnant with blackie's (post- tiny Tim accident) babies. YAY!!! i hate to talk about it early as it does curse things as we know it. which is why women do not talk of their pregnancy's until the 3rd month, i believe? may have changed but that's how it used to be at least. now as for why i am going to st.louis, i'm told its for me, but we know different, don't we? my mother, grandfather and i are going to downtown st.louis across from union station. he is going for a reunion type thing with his brystol meyer squibb sales men. They were drug pushers back when it was still polite to call them such. Just to give you a time reference. they sold many pharmaceuticals to several pharmacies, in a variety of locations. If you do a search i'm sure their web site could do more justice to the company than i ever could. anyway my grandfather was voted top 6 sales man in his company several times, I'll dig up an article to show later on. anyway i have to keep this short we leave tomorrow morning and i still have yet to pack. basically all I've gotten to do today was shop for last minute items, munchies and such. i don't know how much I'll get to do their, I'll bring pictures back. first and foremost i want to get some bra's and underwear, maybe some shirts and pants too if i can afford it. anyone in the st.louis district that i know feel free to give me a call anytime after 3/4 tomorrow. and hey i know I'll bored so anyone else feel free to call anyway. here is how i envision my evening, a TV, a me, a bed, and a real fruit strawberry bar.. mmm how fun.. seriously it'll be nice to have nothing to do.. anyway so ends my boring brief on st.louis!! Join me why don't cha?

27 July, 2006

Shes saying goodbye, she's leaving tonight!

The title is a quote from SugarCults song: "Saying GoodBye" which probably describes 100's of 1,000's of teenage girls sitting at home right now. Sitting there wishing to be some where else, with someone else. maybe wishing they were someone else. But why? you may ask. Well while some people are having fun in school, others are made miserable just by the simple fact someone happy or carefree is there. The fact that you or they have found a way to let go, de-stress and just have fun and see humor in almost anything. Hurts them, because they have not yet learned those things. Where you one those people? or was I? or maybe both? i wasn't really one to wish i was someone else, maybe that i looked different, defiantly wished to be some where else. I love to travel and there's so many cool things around you, you really don't even have to travel far to see them. st.louis is 100 miles from Springfield and they have tons of cool clubs, sight seeing spots, the arch who could pass that up? but things that are closer (with gas prices, i guess we should stay closer to home) my favorite town Taylorville, a very cute town, with my all time favorite square. If i had the authority I'd nominate them for square of the year. or something numbingly weird like that. my point being that some times what your looking for, is right in your back yard. Your into music, hey check out the local bar scene, local bands can sometimes be better than signed bands. Check out a bare minimum of 5 before you judge any of them. i guarantee that at least 2 of them will be worth while, who knows you might even become a groupie. Its easy to do and you don't even know. I guess you could become a Band-Aid if you don't want to consider yourself a groupie. Honestly Groupies aren't to bad, i don't think. Their honest to god, the heart and soul of the band, their the ones that make or break you. SO if your a band, or a band member i guess, maybe you should treat your groupies out to something nice? maybe you'll pull your band that extra mile. Music and life are like a braid. They weave and wind together.. to people who have no yet seen or found this method of life, this may be why you have not found happiness? or maybe you just take life to seriously? sometimes you should kick back, but on your favorite tunes, listen to them until you can feel the words. Of course the best way to help this along is to maybe have a beer? i don't know, i don't drink anymore, so I'm about no help. Anyway this is basically a filler post, because I'm working on one really awesome one. so don't get too upset! promise, the best comes last. or well last to this one.

21 July, 2006

i do apologize

Computers these days have a mind of their own, dont they? similar to a child, they throw tantrums, they shock you, they do things by themselves. mine recently just decided it didnt want to run aol's explorer, meaning i couldnt get on to the world wide web. the only thing i could do, was sometimes (as in not usually) use my instant messengers, and i could also check my e-mail; and that was it. anyway after fighting with it for a few days finally i restored it, and i think im going to restore it a little back further, so that i can loose some problem files i've been dealing with. anyway who knew newer computers stored files similar to a zip drive, to back themselves up. so when you get stuck all you have to do is go there and restore to before you got stuck. i think its awesome they do that, because a lot of people dont back up files as often as they should. its like playing a game and saving just before any of the harder challenges, but who knew they were coming up. my teachers years ago said save every couple of paragrahs. in this case i'd say back up every 3 weeks to a month, maybe sooner. other wise you might get stuck on the outs. anyway i apologize for being gone for awhile, but as you can see it wasn't by choice. I have quite a few things to do today, number one on my list is replace my cell phone. which had a run in with my buick's tires.. lol needless to say it held up VERY well no cracks no broken pieces. the only problem is the screen that appears un broken has internal damage, meaning you can see what to do, and it wont place calls even if you type them in correctly and press send. so i'm going to go cingular and get a replacement, thank god for insurance. second is to get my script from my doctor. we're going to st.loui's in a couple days (hopefully one of my laptops will have working Internet by then). i havent been to st.loui's in awhile, it ought to be fun.. i just hope its not miserably hot outside, because i really want to go to the missouri botanicle gardens, its my fav. and my favorite Italian restaurant, mmmm marciono's.... ohhh and i'll get some calamari... oh goodness i better change the subject.. anyway and because of the horrific storm the yard (2 ac) is covered with leaves, branch's and a bunch of large limbs... so i've got to finish cleaning that up. anyway i'm in a hurry gotta run! sorry about this being so sloppy...


10 July, 2006

Death and how it could go smoother

As many of you already know, today was Linda Waters' funeral. It was a lovely service, and a room filled with love. We all signed a card for her, that went into the grave. I had no idea what to write, it obviously had to be something good. After all it was going to be with her for eternity. Throught this hole funeral planning i've been there. I've helped in more ways than i can count. Having helped on only one before, i didnt know much. I did have one up on everyone else though. Here are some idea's i had for making funeral's easier on everyone.
1- The hospital
The hospital should have a flyer or something to that effect that they give you. It should have all the things that Have to be done when a person dies. Secondly it should include Things that should be done when people die. examples" something that would have to be done, would be to cancel credit cards, or get a funeral home before 72 hours. something that should be done, would be like, buying them an outfit (has to be bought because their clothes WILL not fit after they have died. (swelling!)) or getting a picture and thinking up things for the obit. most people think the paper puts those in automatically, but they dont!! most funeral homes do it for you, but some dont. The flyer should probably include all or atleast most of the funeral homes in town. Maybe cemeteries too? Other people who could provide the flyer would be funeral homes, how much business would they get, if they had a helpful flyer given at hospitals.
2- Funeral Homes-
ALL funeral homes need to be sure that the people whom work WITH the clientel need to have good manners, and are sensitive to the fact that these people just lost a loved one. its hard enough going to the funeral home, but to have someone rude, and insensitve, thats horrible!! example: Linda's family went to STABB (a very well known funeral home!!) and this lady (deni Polk's wife. (or ex??) was extreamly out of line in what she said to them. She said first of all that she could do nothing for them, unless they imediatly came up with a bare minimum of 5,000 dollars. Now explain this to me, who (minus rich and elderly) has 5 grand just laying around? not many people this day and age (gas prices, and costs of living). She also made sure to put a hitch in their giddy up, by stateing that "tomorrow at 6a.m. will be 72 hours, we cant do anything after that, it'll have to be a closed casket. yeah guess what, i checked, thats a lie! a lie.. from someone you are supposed to trust to burry your loved one? but why you ask? oh i'll expain it to you. Here is why she said that, because if your in a hurry trying to find 5 grand some where, are you going to think to check other places? no probably not, your just going to worry about getting money to a funeral home whom already have all your info. Correct? yes... so that is why i believe she said that. She also was very rude about saying that without the money they could not do anything. No payment plans could be worked out, nothing. How many places now days have no way to make payments? just because your loved one has passed doesnt mean the family is going to, they'll still be there to pay.
3- the third thing that people could do to help others would be. To have a chairty set up to help those whom dont have over 2 grand to pay on a funeral. I searched high and low, and found nothing. A body can only sit so long (that part is correct, but 72 hours isnt!) before it stinks and deflates. I'm beginning to believe thats my purpose. to open up a Charity funeral home. I think that would be nice. You have no idea how hard it was on the family to go through this ordeal. And then to be just crapped on by everyone. how would you feel if your mother had just passed while your still young and then you feared that you couldnt have a funeral for them. or a grave, or a tomb stone. And everyone tried to pressure you into cremation? you'd feel absolutly horrid. As would i! some people dont want cremation, which i can see views for both sides. And all these funeral homes try and get you to it, because its cheaper. But if it was someones dieing wish not to be, thats horrible.
I'm sure i'll think of more things to be added. but those are the main things i think would be very helpful.

07 July, 2006

Blogin' in ''06

Does a fancy blog attract attention? or more to the point, does a fancy blog get more hits than any other blog in its class? What is the real reason people read them, or dont in some cases? Why do you read this one? does anyone actually read this one? Well i know of friends and family that read it, but other than that i have no idea. I put a counter in my other blog, and in a couple days had more hits than i ever imagined i could have gotten. What should a blog template be like? Lets figure this out.
First it should most definatly be easy to access, whether it be accessing it itself, or it be links. Everything has to be in plain sight, and easy to read.
Second It should probably have a gimmic, such as mine. Sinister85, i have little sinister looking fairys.
As for attracting people, blogger folks say that if you have interesting content people will find you. I dont find that so at all, and here is why. I searched a few blogs that i found interesting and they didnt have as many hits as i thought they should. If you had to catagorize your blog, what would you put it under? Sometimes i believe its hard to catagorize them, what if you dont write about certain things each time. I mean like what if you write about music one day, bush another, and the end of the world in the next. What catagory could that be classified as? Maybe society? only one problem with that, there is no such catagory.
So how can we actually attract readers? or is that even the important thing. I believe that it is, whether you believe it to be or not. I'm sure when your sitting there writing up your entry, your thinking about someone reading it. As a matter of fact im sure you do, because other wise, why would you be writing it in the first place? My best advice for gathering readers would be to get on a search engine. Or have your friends tell friends, but that usually ends up to be a flop idea.
Just a little something to think about next time you, yourself blog.