dear dear diary,


My life is lame, and I think its rubbing off. hah just joshing yea! I'm over all pretty good, today. I've been talking to people I haven't talked to in quite awhile, so I mean its great. I'm loving becoming social again. I thought when I moved, that I would just mope and be depressed. and of course have to hold it all in, because its to hard to explain. its not like anyone here would understand. I've also become glued to ebay, its great. I bought a couple of instruments, clarinet, and flute off of it. I also bought a gnome, and I'm looking for this really weird doll they use in sex ed, called the "read-or-not-tot". But I wanted a boy and a girl, they only have girls on e-bay. plus I really should stop spending on the credit card this month. I'll wait till next month and maybe only get that. Oh and I'm bidding currently on a cd that I LOVE, I used to own it, someone, no name, broke it. Its called "One Hot Minute" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, produced in 95". its the one with Dave Navarro instead of John frashante (SP?) anyway I liked a few songs on there. there is this song "Pea" that my cousin Ashley and I used to love. Its is friggin' hilarious! if you haven't heard it download it. We used to laugh about that song, we knew the words backwards and forwards. anyway I realized apparently a few more people that I expected have been reading my blog. I was actually shocked, if you can believe that. maybe not so much that they read it, but more that cared enough to. I don't know maybe sometime I sell myself a bit short. and I guess I get "Overly excited" and apologetic when I get uncomfortable about a situation. like I asked a friend of mine if he was going to come down. Just because well its been awhile and I'm liking this socializing thing. And I don't know he kind of acted like okay, maybe, if nothing better comes up. And I felt like maybe I just shouldn't have said anything, so I quickly tried to take focus off my statement and retract it. And I apologized for "putting him on the spot". and I don't know, it ended up making me feel like a complete retard. not his intention I'm sure, I'm just a big dork. I just wish I didn't apologize so much, I wish I had the confidence I used to. ha ha if you can believe that I once actually had some. you know how when your a kid, things just don't matter to you. You could do the most embarrassing thing, and not know, nor would you even think twice. a lot of people are still like that, I wish I could be. Shoot I could say the wrong thing as previously mentioned, and it will just keep playing over and over in my mind, making me feel like a reject. I don't know why exactly I'm so dramatic and hard on myself. oh well, so lets see what else is going on... oh there is this country song, that i heard a few times, and i cant for the life of me think of the name, or who sings it. its a song about a guy that's gonna drink away his troubles and then decided the hell with his pride, he's gonna let his emotions fly, or he is gonna cry.. something to that effect! its a really good song, if you get a chance check it out. i'll post the name and stuff if i ever find out. anyway I'm gonna go, dentist tomorrow, OUCH! and doctor, double ouch! you know what wait, i don't want to go to the dentist. i was talking to a friend today, and i realized something. Something i cant believe i EVER forgot! i went to dmd Dr.Simmons a few months ago, he shot me up and i couldn't feel my tongue for two months! that's bull i almost suited! damn, that pisses me off now that i remember! okay now im gonna go to bed! heh night!



Love
Jesse


I'm Listening to:

"What hurt's the most, is being so close. and having so much to say, and watching you walk away. and nevering knowing, what could have been. and not seein' that love in you, is what i was trying to do."
Rascal Flatts ("What Hurts The Most")

You're Beautiful?

heya,

Today i was listening to a song, its called "You're Beautiful" by James blunt. At first i hated said song. Then they played it so much i actually got it stuck inside my head. Which is called an ear worm. So i downloaded this song. I've got it on repeat now so that i dont miss my point for writing this. I dont know if anyone else in the world does like i do with music. Although that sentence sounded unusually strange it was not meant to sound like it did. I relate songs to people, and i relate memories esspecially to people. Here read this section of the song.

"Yes, you caught my eye, as i walked on by. She could see from my face, that i was, fucking high. and i dont think that i'll see her again. but we shared a moment that will last til the end. you're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're beautiful, its true! i saw your face, in crowded place. And i dont know what to do. Cause i'll never be with you."

What do you think? now if you knew me, you'd know exactly whom that should point to. But suprisingly enough it makes me feel strangly alone. Not wanting anyway, no one in mind, not even the high one that the song should remind me of. anyway!! next topic, that one was rather boring. but then thats my life..

I'm staying with my grandfather now, i moved again. i dont know if i can stand living here. I'm going esspecially crazy today, because i lost my cigarrettes. i've been trying to get ahold of this person lately, and the person doesnt want to talk to me or something. they must be dating again. Because whenever this person dates. i've found out, they ignore everyone else. As if dating is the most important thing in the world. Pssh dating sucks. hey let me go on a date with someone i've never met, they can try and stick their tounge down my throat. Then the ackward silences, then an ackward goodbye. then you people have to decided whom is going to call whom back, first! and you feel like a complete looser if its you.

So have you ever felt the blues. Felt completely and utterly alone. To the point of going mad. well im not that bad yet i dont believe. i do however feel very alone, and its very scary for me. I havent really been alone in so long. Well i've never really been alone like this before. where i feel like i have no one to talk to you, no one to cry to, no one to just tell me to shut up and push on. ah i guess this is life, well life is about a crock. Oh its so wonderful to live, when i almost died i found life, bullshit. When you almost died, you almost got a break, from this living hell that everyone else wouldnt mind leaving. You crazy ass, why didnt you push harder to go? oh when i almost died, all i could think about was my kids. Blah kids grow up best with less parental control, its called being indepentant. anyone heard of that? okay i think i'm done rambling, sorry.... i've probably affended a hand full of people, and turned the others off forever.

-Jess