Drugs, and sleep!

Today overall has just been sad, seriously sad. Sarah got married, Sarah. I dont know my point on that, just that who saw sarah getting married first out of our group. Angie, Sarah, Mary, Annie, and i. Mary and Annie both have kids now. Sarah's married as of today. Angie dates a black guy named tez. Then there is me, Just me. Not me and so and so. Not me with big hard job that prohibits me from having a love life. Just me, and my grandfather. A thank less job, and a life of thankless people. The last compliment i heard from anyone, was some weird guy online. and it makes me sick to even think about him. But atleast he said something nice, and he didnt get mad at me. Now i have a phone call, so I'll get back to it later... -Jess

Congradulations - Sarah And John Wake!

I went to the wedding today, almost missed it due to a few reasons. One, Sarah left last night, but not before keeping me up late. So when the alarm went off, I didn't! haha Reason Two, No keys. Yes, How strange, wake up, and no cars keys, cant go anywhere with out them. Someone took two sets of keys with them. I had to go through all the dressers and drawers in the house but i finally found the spare key. Reason number Three: I had NOTHING to ware. I mean i just bought clothes, but I had nothing to wear to a wedding. I bought comfy jeans and t-shirts, that are for Saturday.. But i made it there, no parking had to park around the corner, no biggie. I did get lucky though, when i got back to the car, I had gone for 14 minutes longer than i had paid for. Luckily no ticket. We had a good time though, it was very short, but very personal. I felt honored to be asked to be there. Even though I didn't know until last night. The judge was very nice, he had a good sense of humor, which if you've been there you know is RARE! Then we went to the new(er) resturant "Long Horn" <~~ does this not remind you of "King of the hill"?? i felt so sick, but i had to eat something, i took two bites of stake. I felt horrible about doing that to her family. but if had eatin' more i would have gottin sick there. No instead my stomach waits until i get almost to the school, and then PLUGH! all over the car, i was like S.O.B something else i have to clean today. Oh and to top it all off, wally's coming tonight so i have exactly 2 hours to clean the house enough for him. then i have to leave and go i dont know where for 3 hours or so. Then come back and clean for Jon tomorrow. I havent even gottin' to talk to him though, so i dont even know if he is still coming or not?? i hope he is, i've been looking forward to this for awhile... Anyway that was all i really wanted to post, i've got 5 pictures of the wedding itself, but for some reason my camera messed them up. Only two are even visible. So i'll post those on the other blog if you want to see them. So congrads again to Sarah and John Wake, may your life be filled with nothing but joy. (hah) love, Jess

Lean with it Rock with it

I guess this is going to be a short post because apparently everyone in the world wants to make sure my week is a living hell. This week has been spent, Working hard, Running hard, and no play. And as if thats not bad enough, the last two days, everyone has been like saying things to me, and its almost like they want to start a fight. I have no fight left, they could pick me apart and i would say nothing. I feel so damn depressed, i go upstairs and just sit there watching the wall, and thinking how somethings would just be easier if i wassnt who i am. I never hear anyone say their glad i'm exactly the way i am. i guess thats all, just wanted to state that im depressed, and im misourable, so if you want to get mad at me, go ahead, but keep it to yourself, please. Oh and i want to publicly state, Sarah was here and was using my computer and like a child she Instant messages all my buddies. I caught her talking to Don, and Brain. Other than that i dont know, so i'm very sorry, Please oh please, dont take it out on me? I'm beggin you, i honestly cant take it. If one more thing goes wrong, im going to have a nervous break down. Thanks for reading, good night all!

-Jessica

Picture Blog!?

I found an easier way to do the pictures, i opened a new blog. and i used that "Hello" thing to send pictures. So go and check it out at http://beck85.blogspot.com lemme know what you think.. peace - Jessie

Clean Rollin'

The Buick just got the tire repaired, free of charge. I was shocked, they defiantly got my business. Expect one problem, Cory Johnson.. Those of you whom have known me since high school, know... Cory! Those of you coming over, you'll see his name I'm plosive! Cory and I went to school together, he is 1 year older than me. We had P. E together, we both took swimming. He always thought he was tough shit because he was a life guard at the YMCA. Heh man looking back now, I cant see why i wanted him so much. He is fat, and ugly, and rude.. But the story gets better, like 2 years after high school, I met up with him again. And that was around the time I had heard of saraphine, and I had dropped a lot of weight because of well eating problems. And he wanted me BAD!!! served him right, I pulled some bogus shit, talking about he was too fat for me.. He made me feel like shit everyday, so he deserved it in my eyes. It made me feel good then, but today it made feel horrible. A. I felt bad, because I hate being mean to people. I only do it usually in self defense of if I feel someone was really wronged like a good friend. and B. because I've gained weight. 2 pants sizes fatter than high school. I hated high school, makes me feel sick thinking about it, and Cory... So the Buick is fixed for Saturday Mr. sexy man, if you read this... Its ON BABY! haha I haven't even talked to him in awhile though, i think he's mad at me or something... Its been a busy week, and its gonna be a busy weekend. Sarah's staying tonight because her wedding is tomorrow. So we're going to be up all night doing hair, nails, ect. Deciding what to do for the wedding. Then Friday is the wedding, and then Saturday, yeah Saturday... Saturday is my vacation day.... So that's all i just wanted to post that before i forgot... So until next post, I'll keep ya posted...

Love,
Jessica

Cant You Hear Me Knockin'?

I don't know why the world is against me today. It’s because I cant “Lean wit it, Rawk Wit it” huh?? So I guess, Don's mad at me, Brains mad at me, And a couple other people i wish to not mention on account of they actual READ THIS! not like anyone even gives a crap about what i say. Do you know i sit here and come up with witty, "title's" for my posts, like when i wrote about my story. I used Johnny Cash's "Cocaine Blues" Lyrics and said "I took a shot of Cocaine, and I shot my woman down!" how fitting was that? Mark took a hit of Crack - Cocaine and everyday made me feel worthless, ugly, stupid, so on. Not that i really wish to reflect on that. I became a better person because of that, and most defiantly becomes a stronger person. Because i wouldn’t let those drugs Define who i was, i wouldn’t let mark define who i was. I'm stubborn and when i put my mind to something i'm going to accomplish it. Much like a friend of mine whom doesn’t think i care about his engine building. Of course i care, its my nature to be overly caring about things like that, that people poor their heart and soul into. Plus its him, so its like a big thing in my life right now. This week has been all about him, that’s probably why i'm still sane, after this evening. Well that is if his friend didn’t pull some bogus shit. And yeah i refer to him as my friend, after the shit he said tonight i could give a crap less what happens to him. Hah i cant even get that out of my finger tips with out feeling horrible about saying it. So for "Big city Bob" as we call him in here, Just listen to that song "Saturday" By the rocket summer, that’s what’s keeping’ me sane through this depressingly rugged week. Sarah Came by, And we were messing around, acting like Young giggly girls, which sarah still is… haha I’m kiddin’ Girl-friend! But we were online, and Don totally took sarah out of context, and I explained, and he didn’t believe me. So that’s his own damn fault, not mine! Plus he didn’t believe sarah was there saying stuff, I was like “You can tell, by the way she types and the way I type.” now this is how sarah would type it up “u can tell cuz I type like shit” I use cap locks, and periods explanation points, I love them! And then I type the way I speak. Sarah types, and if you read it. And imagine her saying it, it would sound like a Black man, whom didn’t use vowels! I figured most people could tell the different in typing. How long have I known Don, and he doesn’t know me yet?? I’ve known him about as long as mr.Iffy, and I believe that Jon would realize, and he probably wouldn’t act like a baby. Yeah I say it like that for a reason, because I just gave Don the address for my blog. Before I didn’t want him to have it, because I didn’t want him to know things. Its like this there are two reasons I’m as weird about men as I am. 1- I’ve had relationships fail, and I’ve left my heart not only trampled and bruised, but I’ve left a piece of my heart everywhere I go, and now, I feel like I have nothing to give. 2- Because Love and Not being able to moderate my feelings anymore, scares me. I don’t want to love someone if they are going to do me wrong. And despite what some may think, money has nothing to do with love. I’ve had guys that bought stuff, and I didn’t like them anymore than now! So that’s my ruling! And I’m sticking to it!
Love,
Jess

I believe that everyone can fly

So i'm sitting here this morning its 7:35.. I went to bed around 12 ish i guess, i took like 4 tylenol PM's, and thank god it worked, made me pass out. But of course as soon as i took them, i thought of a few things i wanted to do before i went to bed. Like talk to this friend of mine, because he's been all busy all week.. But that's the way the cookie crumbles i guess. I need to start cleaning the house, not just clean, it has to be spotless clean. Then i got to do the yard, which it has to look at the very least GOOD! let's see, i guess i got to finish my Jon shopping, so that i dont look like a "Wild Woman" or a "Rag Muffin". Eh, the section of story below, was inspired the other night. I was up couldnt sleep, I was in such a good mood because of certain things going on this week. And then BOOM out of no where all of a sudden im so incredible depressed, about my ex. How he effected me, and im so mad at myself for letting it happen around me. Why didnt i care more? i just cant figure it out, how can i like the person i do, and then look at my ex.. Its like what the hell, there two different genre's in a one genre world. Anyway in case NO ONE REMEMBERS about "my baby"= I've been writing a story, a memoir based souly on my life. obviously, But the point of it is, You do in fact make it through the bad. Even if it seems impossible, or just so horrible you wish for death everyday. Anyway i want to keep this short, so I'm gonna end it now. I hate being up this early, shoot 10 would have been so much better. Well until next post, stay out of trouble.

I took a shot of cocaine, and shot my woman down.

"A check comes in the mail, 150 dollars. We get ready, walk out the door, and into the car. First stop the bank, cash the check. Then a few blocks down, to the store, and buy some alcohol. Something cold, and tasty that we can drink in the car. We pay for the alcohol, and leave. Into the car, onto a country road. drive to all the small towns within a 50 mile radius. While he drinks a beer, i drink mad dog 20 20 "Red grape wine". We hit Taylorville, Decatur, the bigger towns near us. He stops to pee on some bum fuck road, and i have to hold it. Here comes a gas station, in the town of who the hell knows. i go in, hurry up and use the restroom, and get back in the car. We've used over a quarter tank of gas, and with gas prices at 1.87 we had better start headed back. We finally arrive at our little yellow house, with my beautiful white lilly's in our barrels along the drive way. We park under the car port, get out. Fight loudly about who gets to go to the bathroom first. The nosie neighbors peek out their curtains at us. We unload the car, and unlock the door to the house. He goes in and plays his war games on the computer, i sit down on the bed and go through my DVD's. I pick out "Riding in Cars with Boys" because it always makes me feel better about my life. Half way through the movie, he walks in and says "Let's Go!" and i say "Where?", "YOU KNOW!" he says trying to act sneaky. As if i don't know where, but i act like i don't, because i wish i didn't know. I get up, put my shoe's on, get my jacket and slip into it. Grab the keys and walk out to the car. Drive down the street to the stop sign, make a right to the stop sign, then a left at that stop sign, go straight threw the light. Until the next stop sign, then we turn right, and a quick left on 2nd. and head straight about 4 blocks. glad the house is so close to ours, i sarcastically thought. we pull through the drive way, and into the back lot. i park by the tow away sign, as always. we get out and walk up to the back basement door, and go on in. He knocks, and you hear a female voice say "Who is it?!" as if she was trying to sound scary. "Mark and his girl" he says in a weak voice. She opens the door, and pulls us in. First room the kitchen, "Where the business goes down" but we're not supposed to know that. Next room, her bedroom "where the smoking goes on" and there is always a stupid porno on. We sit, there's usually some weirdo there, staring at us..... I memorized to myself.... he hands her 20 dollars, and she says they have to go somewhere to get it. But of course i have to stay. So she gets ready and they leave, i sit there. Stare at the floor, and think quietly to myself. "Why am i here? Why do i put myself through this, EVERY TIME! Your so dam stupid, why would anyone choose this? How do people become crack addicts? It's not like it could be an accident. Oopse i accidentally smoked crack today, How'd your day go sweet-heart?" I imagined someone saying that and gave a small chuckle. By now i've memorized the tiles, so i look around the room. The clock says its 8:00 p.m. I smell a sweet smell, but its unpleasant, it makes me feel sick. A smell of cheap liquor, Cheap perfume, and Drugs. I think a song, by journey that talks about walking at night in the shadows, and smelling a similar smell. I wondered if it was about a Crack Whore? or maybe it was just about some prostitute. "She walks at night, making money, even though the acts just aren't right." i think to myself, wondering if it would make a good song, or if it would flop. Just then they come walking in the door, i look over and the clock says 8:30 p.m. and i wonder what they were doing for such a long time. They hurry to her pipe and clean it, "Where's the chores" mark says to Bernidet "Look under the chair" she says quickly as if she wanted the words to come out even quicker than they did. I sit and stare at both of them, i feel Hurt, i feel alone. I can feel my eyes well up, i turn my head to the side so no one see's. I wouldn't want either one of them to know that his drug use effected me so. I had told him plenty, but couldn't possibly have gotten through to him. They stick the little white rock into the pipe, lean it upward while lighting it, so as it doesn't fall out. "How can something so small be worth so much?" i think to myself, which leads me to think about "How can something so small effect so many people so negatively?" Bernidet puts in a movie her boyfriend rented, finally i had something to do, rather than just sitting there thinking. I couldn't stand letting those drugs take advantage of me that way. I cant stand to let people know how i feel, because i believe that if they know, they'll use it against me. Like mark does. no sooner had the thought passed my mind when i hear them whispering about another 20. I knew he'd spend all the money, as he'd done time and time again. I knew if i went home i'd worry about him, so i stayed. I watched him smoke away 80 dollars. We hadn't even bought food, or cigarettes yet. Mark stood before me, Pale white, eyes wide open but pupils small. I Don't say one word, i stand up, we get in the car and go home. "

And that is one section of the story i've been working on. I have yet to go back and add detail, or edit it to perfection. But give me your thoughts on it.. thanks -Jess

Deep Inside

Have you ever been so deep inside, of a feeling. That it's almost like you can't find your way out? That you've lost all sight of who you were, who you are. All you can think about it who, or what, you want to be. To make the feeling, feel the right way? What does that even mean? I just wrote it, and I cant even understand it, its got to be, either THE dumbest thing I've ever said out loud, or THE all time, weirdest thing. It's most definatly a familiar feeling, that I've known many a time. Always, and again, with the same end. It's all about you, and its like, I don't want to call you, but then I want to call you. The sadest part of the mess as a whole, has got to be that, this one little piece ththings, Shall we? It's like this, and this is the only way I can describe it.. I'm like Dr. suss today. at I knew the hole time, I found again, and its like the first time all over again. Just the same- stress, longing, and unsubtle mess. For those of you, whom think you know what I mean, Chances are, You Don't, so let's don't assume, shall we?

She's got something inside,

a loneliness, One she can not hide.

Boy makes girl, feel like nothing before,

Their alone, no one understood.

Alone is so unpleasant, and together is so far.

He took for granted, all those times

The feeling was his, a seed he planted.

until the day, when his voice chimes

stuck in the mud is she, thats where she'll be.

He's changed their lives so it seems?

thats just the important section of my thoughts. I just poped that out, just for you, isnt that special. so lately I've been drinking, just like the last 2 evenings. I don't think I'm going to this evening, because basically all it's been doing is making me feel utterly alone. which I don't know, isn't THE all time, worst feeling, but its certainly no where close to the best.

I honestly just came back in the room, and I've lost all train of thought. I can't stand my life, its so.... NOT what it should be, It's rather depressing to actually sit and think about. Course I've been feeling depressed in general the last couple of days. I guess this weekend should cure that for me. I'm going to order my drugs tonight, go shopping tomorrow, as well as clean tomorrow. That should basically be it for preperation for this weekend. No I guess its not, I need to do my hair the night before, maybe get it cut too. Then of course I'll probably do my nails the night before. I wish I had been able to diet or something too. I mean in general I just don't eat, thats just because of my drugs. I can only eat certain things, at certain times, and in certain amounts. It's not like my dieting preference before, where I just didn't eat. That's not the case at all, but shoot that's the best way to loose weight.

Well this just in, I probably wont be able to get clothes. I found this cat two days ago, it looked like mine (sheba) that ran away. I found it 2 doors down, thats why i just assumed it was. well it won't go home, I take it back there, and it comes back here. Anyway, my point being, It's not getting along with my other cat "Blackie" its okay with "Edgar". I just found blackie and he doesnt look good, so I need to take him to the vets tomorrow!! Poor thing, I think i'm going to keep him inside with me all night. Then Edgar needs to go in for his mouth, something in there is wrong. Plus he needs a plain check up. Then this new cat, I need to take in and have checked out. Which is going to be hard to take all 3 in because i've only got one cat carrier now. Mark took one, and my friend took the other. Anyway I know If i take them in, I wont be able to get clothes. But the poor things, they need it, more than I need clothes. That's just life, I guess my guy will just have to see me in shitty clothes. I know the vet is going to try and sell me all this B/S too. Hopfully my friend will be working, he's a vet. I know his whole family, so he might be better. anyway this post is huge... I'm off to it, peace!

"This is Me"

I remember back in the day, when everyone was all into tests.com. well i took a few tests today and here is what i found out: A. I'm an insightful linguist with a "classic IQ" of 115, which proves my point that I'm dumb. it says I'm creative and i like to write. well that sounds about right on. and then i took a test that asks questions about me, to see what I'm afraid of and it said Jessica, you are most afraid of not being good enough.

Have you ever noticed that you're more concerned about how others perceive you than many people around you? Or do you sometimes worry more than you should about doing things perfectly or feel afraid that others will mock you in some way? If so, you're not alone. There are many people who share your fear of not being good enough. It can be a real strength to recognize your fears. By being aware of the things that frighten you, you can assess whether fear is helping you or negatively impacting your life. For instance, a fear of not being good enough may sometimes motivate you to take action in a positive way, like by being more diligent in pursuing your goals than others. However, fear's negative aspects can sometimes be more damaging than you realize. Living with fear not only prevents you from living life to the fullest; it can also have a significant negative impact on your energy, health, and your close relationships if not kept in check.

Look at this, and tell me, is it me??? the test said i had middle low self image, said i need to go easier on myself, and such, but read this here, this is what really his home!!

16. Have you ever passed on sex to avoid getting naked in front of
+Often
+Rarely
Never

17. When having sex, the lighting has to be:
Pitch black +
Dim
Doesnt Matter

which sounds about like me, except mine impacts me negatively. i took a relationship test, but it ask be to try some of their sponsors and i didnt want to... i thought i'd take a few more tests, but you can take some too, at: http://web.tickle.com so that's it for now, until next post.. which as my nights goin' may be in an hour...


Love Always,
Jess

The Man In Black's drunk too.

I'm probably the only person that gets drunk and quotes Johnny Cash, huh? i'm debating deleting that last post, just because it looks so.... out of character? or is it right on? hmm.. i have no clue, i dont know up from down recently. things in my life were set a certain way, and recently its like someone has come over and taken my world in one hand, and turned it upside down. Like you shake a snow globe, thats my world, spinning, round and round she goes, where she stops, no one knows. Can anyone remember 45's? just a random question. Do people today know what LP's and Albums were? i dont believe so, i said something yesterday to a friend of mine, about i heard Johnny Cash first on a 45 with the song "Ring of Fire". they had NO IDEA what i was reffering to. I was about 5 when i heard it, maybe? You've got to remember i've loved old music since i was able to speak. Older music has captured a generation, if you dont like yours, turn on some old music. and wha la, your back to the 60's or 70's. No more of this today B/S you can be where ever you want. i guess that would be why i like the music, i dont even have to be myself, ya know? Music can be everything, if you let it. It more addictive that herion, cigarettes, cocain. If you let it in, it wont leave. it sits their in your head, singing the same song, over and over and over. eh... i've got some things to do, so i guess that'll do it for today.