Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed.

So after thinking alot and talking to people closest to me, i came to a conclution. Not one i'm willing to share on here, but one i'm willing to add into my story. You know the one, the one i'm working on. My memoir, the one everyone forgets about, because along with me they've already lived it. So this guy that i met is a virgin, as was i. We were the same in many ways, it was thrilling. The only delima we had together, was the distance between us. i remember the last time i saw him, in the throws of passion, by then neither of us were virgins. What we could have lost together, and didnt. The choices made, the fear being made. Everything i'd ever wanted was right there in front of me, and still i wanted more. Like a hungry animal i couldn't handle just having a little of him, i wanted it all. But like all good things, its gone before you realize. Realize you'd taken what you had for granted, Realize that done right that could have done it for you. Who knows, if i had only been in the state of mind then, that i am now. Things may not have turned out the same way as they did. but they did, and so goes the sands of times.


So there is a preview of thoughts currently on my mind set. I was thinking about my pain med's, and Susanna kaysen. She said she took her asprin one by one, swallowing. Until she got to 50. Then after waiting she came to the conclusion that she didn't want to die. and she went for the milk her mother had asked her to get previously. She passed out on the meat counter at the grocery. I wonder if i did that, would i regret taking the asprin? or be relieved I'd had the guts to actually do it? Susan says that she wondered about poly, how she had, had the mind set and guts to light the match, burning her for life? and if she had achieved every suicidal's dream of killing the part of you that wants to die, leaving only you, and your thoughts. Is that at all possible? by the way this is going to be a really long post, so if you don't give a shit about me, leave now. Dieing scares me in some ways, and in other ways i wish it would just happen. Because sometimes believe it or not, my life is just so miserable that i wish and wait for it. I've thought hardily about a mental hospital. But i want to be able to smoke, and take my pain med's. That's my only request. I've realized i was meant to be born in the early 50's. I just for the life of me cant understand why I'm born now, why am i here? i cant stand where the world has gone, i wish i was back in the 60's livin it up. Oh by the way, i know I'm not a danger to society, or usually to myself. That's not why i want to check myself into a mental hospital. Its because of the way i see things, the way i think. I don't believe myself to be sane anymore. I think everyone has just pushed so hard, one day i snapped. And ask any crazy they never realized when it happened. They realize later, and they can all tell you the exact moment they realized too. I can tell you mine. One day i was sitting outside smoking a cigarette, i looked up, and realized the world doesn't look the same to me. What i see is in black and white (no im not color blind, dumb ass!) and its faded like, with people but to me their all monsters i have to watch carefully, in case they try to mess with me. when i look at myself i see all the things i didn't do, i see all the things i don't have. My longing has over come my having lately. The one thing i thought to turn me back around, has disappeared, and now I'm stuck in this world. i don't know, and i cant find the way out. its not like Alice i didn't fall down a shaft and chase the white rabbit (referring to drugs). i just snapped my fingers one day and the sound came out different. Get it?? here check theses songs, that's it for today! ~Jess~



"Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed! I'm not the one you want babe, i'm not the one you need. You say your looking for someone, who's never weak but always strong, to protect you and defend you. Whether you are right, or wrong. Someone to open each and every door, But it aint me babe! NO NO NO! It aint me babe, it aint me your looking for... Babe!" -Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash "It aint me babe"

"And thats what you get for falling again, you can never get em outta yer head! X2 - Its the way, that he makes you feel, its the way, that he kisses you, its the way, that he makes you fall in love.. shes beautiful as usual, with bruises on her ego and, and her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men." -Sugar cult "Pretty girl (Its the way)"

"The suckers loose them selfs in the games they like to play. the children love to sing, but then their voices slowly fade away. people always take a step away from what people say is true, thats why i like you around. i want you! oh.. do you do you do you do you do? your making me want you!" - Third eye blind - 'i want you"

"I know who i want to take me home, i know who i want to take me home. i know who i want to take me home, take me home. closing time, every new beginning comes from other beginnings end!" - (Dont remember by whom) - "Closing time"

Voices

I just wanted to add a note after that oh so lovely post of sorts. Dont take things to seriously, i tend to get upset and blow things off by writing. Writing is one of the best ways to make yourself feel better. Maybe you've heard of similar things, like when your upset, mad, excited, you write a letter to the person you feel that way about and you say everything you feel or think until you just cant think of anything else.. And i assure you, you will feel better. If you look around my notebooks i've got letters to everyone. I'd be hella embarrassed if anyone read them, the same with my bathroom walls... Hahahah i'll just leave you with that thought.... Peace

Isnt SHE amazing? "My give a damns Busted!"

My guess is from the title you assume its A. Going to be about something positive, and (or) B. its going to be about me or a close friend of mine. Well, sorry to say, its neither, Well its about me, yes, but when is it not? well how about everyday, or to EVERY person i cross. Or here's a good one, TO EVER FUCKING MAN!! thats the main one, men seem to just think of me as a piece of trash. So for once, i want to say how i feel, i dont want to edit and leave things out, to cater to someone. Its my blog and i want to say how i feel. I dont want to feel guilty, and i dont want anyone else to either!! its just words, its just things im writing to make myself feel better. so lately things have been going well, why? because i was leaving town, i was going to see this amazing guy. And instead im still here, alone, by myself. Still waiting until yesterday. I figured because he had car trouble he couldnt make it, so when he got everything all set he'd let me know. But no it didnt work out that way, instead i finally read his blog, and he met some "Amazing girl" well thanks for letting me know? you could have told me, im a big girl i could take it. Dont just leave me hanging, thats such a dick thing to do. You know when i said sometime you can be a dick, but i dont think you mean to. well this is one of those times!!! you should have called, writen, IM'd me. Lord knows i sat here time after time, neglecting my life waiting to hear something anything from you. I think you owed it to me to atleast call and say something. You chicken!!! thats it i guess, you were scared to tell me that you couldnt come, or you found some better piece of ass, so now im just not important. I remember once i told him that he works to hard, he has to have fun sometime. His reply to that was "Its this weekend isnt it?" because we were supposed to get together not this last saturday, but the one before. Yeah you see how well that worked.. You know i told him before we even said boo to eachother that he did that once before and it really hurts to just walk away from me at the drop of a hat. Or in his case, the walk by of an "AMAZING GIRL". I mean he is a friend i've known for some years, and i do want him to be happy, and if thats what makes him happy good, more power to him. But he could have atleast said something, anything to me. I would have understood, and it wouldnt have hurt as bad as it does now. Its almost like he has confirmed everything mark used to say, that i was fat, ugly, stupid, and worthless and no guy would ever want me. Well see, now i have to deal with that. Added stress to my already unpeacefull life. So maybe thats a guilt trip, but why should i feel bad about that? did you?? no... so thanks for another broken promise!! thanks for another let down?? what is this like the 3rd time you've done this?? well then i guess its not you is it? i guess its me, shame on me for believing you. Shame on me for wanting to believe someone gave a shit about me, someone wanted to see me, someone cared. Shame on me for trusting men, when its my moto not to ever trust them. I thought you were different then them, hell i thought you were different than you used to be. But its the same day, just different bull shit. So there is my lovely post, dont like it bugger off!!! -Jessica